The Story Of My Life

The story of my life begins in Moscow, where I was born and raised… or maybe even earlier with my granny, who was fond of dancing and singing. She was the one who transferred all her love of movement to me, taking care that I receive a proper education in singing and dance from my early years.

Ballet classes, folk dance, body percussion, guitar and vocal studio became essential parts of my youth, colouring this time with concerts, shows and rehearsals. Once my school graduation approached, my parents became nervous about the time I invested into my after school activities and asked me to reconsider my priorities. I was skilled enough to get the best grades at school so there was no real reason for changing my timetable, but there was an atmosphere of distrust and doubt that my parents transferred to me.

Nowadays when I look back I can understand their behaviour. None of my family members had a connection to the world of theatre and they basically couldn’t imagine how a young lady would make a living through dance. Those days in Russia a higher education in a secure field like economics or management was seen as a guarantee for a prosperous life, and my parents just wished me to be secure. I wasn’t brave enough or hadn’t enough self- trust to go against their will.

However, I decided to find a compromise: a field of study in which I could do art and at the same time would have access to the technical disciplines. I chose architecture and embarked on a journey which showed me in the end that my true home was always with me. During my bachelor studies in architecture I continued to take ballet and singing classes, which took place at the theatre institute located close to my architectural academy. Every time I would walk through the courtyard of this institute, I remember noticing a movement inside of my chest, a sensation that was born somewhere in the heart area and spread through the body. It was coloured with light and I felt an inner movement within my whole organism.

Activated by signals from the environment, such as theatre students practicing in the courtyard, my system responded and I experienced a strong need to connect, to be part of their activities. It became obvious to me that my prior language of communication was movement and not graphics, which I had tried to introduce into my system through architecture. These visceral experiences helped me to become clearer in my decision, make a shift in my career path and connect to what called me from my heart.

At the same time I decided to create a healthy distance from my family. With the first opportunity, the so-called Erasmus year, I moved to Germany. I thought that first I needed my safe distance and then I would figure out how to build my professional path in the dance field. But I was trapped.

The German educational system doesn’t allow non-eu students to change their field of studies, and going back to Russia was the last thing that I wanted to do. Therefore, I decided to finish my studies in Germany and continue my dance training at the same time.

I was lucky to dive more deeply into the field of contemporary dance, which was way bigger in Germany than in Russia at that time. Also my proficiency in the German language grew, so I was able to understand plays in the theatre; this development marked an important moment on my journey. Again being in the theatre so often I sensed a call from my body to become part of this space and to interact with it. So began my desperate search for a way into a German state theatre.

As a member of a youth theatre group at Residence Theater Munich I found out about the possibility of doing an internship at the theatre. That was nearly impossible to get, but I managed. I entered Residence Theatre in Munich assisting in the stage design department and left it with a lot of friends and new connections to the whole theatre community.

During my time at the Residence Theatre I made friends with the students of the Otto-Falkenberg Theater School in Munich and started to create site specific-performances together, participating in festivals like Rodeo in Munich. Through my friends I was often invited as a guest to their school performances and was able to take part in some of their plays as a guest performer. In the theatre I met people from all walks of life and I developed and practiced the ability to hear and read different types of people. The time of my graduation was nearing, and it was clear for me that I needed to make an active step towards my heart’s wish. The foreign graduates in Germany receive a year to search for a job, and during this year one is permitted to do a job not related to one’s field of studies. It was a chance and I took it.

I applied to a job supervising kids after school, because it was another big passion of mine to support children on their journeys as they discover who they are, while sharing my experience in movement disciplines and techniques for socio-emotional learning. At the same time I was invited to another Munich state theatre, Kammerspiele, to take on the position of assistant to the choreographer, help him with the extras, and learn the choreography with them. It was a dream job. Director and choreographer Toshiki Okada made me feel welcomed and like I was an active part of the team. In this project I was able to work with people from different ages, starting with 18 and ending somewhere around 70. This helped me develop another level of sensitivity when it came to explaining new movement materials.

This work in Kammerspiele and the work with kids inspired me to enlarge my movement vocabulary. In doing so, I felt resonance within myself and also received good feedback in the form of professional opportunities. Therefore, I made the decision to enter a dance school where I could learn different movement disciplines and gather experience as a performer at the same time.

I took this risk, said no to the architecture job and working visa and moved to Berlin to apply for another study visa in order to explore contemporary dance and performance. I had some savings with which I could manage for at least one year, and I fully immersed myself into dance studies. At this time I auditioned for a play at the Volksbühne and got a role in “The Show Must Go On” by Jerome Bel. Gathering this stage experience helped me to live and breathe, fully activating different layers of my body.

Time passed, my student visa was set to expire and the conditions necessary to prolong it were quite tough. My student visa stipulated that I was allowed to work only a few hours a week, which made it nearly impossible to support myself. Again I had to face the visa question and decide if I would go back or continue to work in Germany as an architect.

I decided to stay because my professional community which I was building through all the years was here, and returning to Moscow would mean beginning everything from scratch.

I applied and got the working visa for an architectural job, telling myself that there were only a few years left till I could receive my German citizenship and be completely free in my decisions.

Around four years ago, it became very challenging to keep the focus on my movement studies and performance projects while managing a full-time job. There were moments in which I got so frustrated imagining that I might never be able to leave the architectural field and immerse myself into movement practice, that I got sick. Taking a break from work helped me to bring focus to what is important for me- to communicate through movement. Here yoga and somatic practices helped me a lot. Regular classes in Body-Mind Centering, Feldenkrais Method, Contact Improvisation, meditation and an education in Thai massage entered my life and created a foundation for a grounded lifestyle. Also I started a work with a psychotherapist. There I focused on the themes like early childhood development, behavioral patterns that arise during that time and how to notice and reprogram them.

I had never been so close to these disciplines until the state of my health was affected by my job and socio- economic pressure. That was the time when I had to discover a new path through which to bring peace to my mind and look for extra tools which could help my body access its vitality even under such trying circumstances. I started to teach yoga after going through this process of discovering methods to support my body and balance the mind-body connection.

In the last two years it has felt essential to share my discoveries with a broader circle and I noticed that my personal story of being in both roles as an architect and a performer helps me to reach different circles of people and build bridges, especially with some who have been estranged from their connections to their bodies’ wisdom for a long time.

Also I noticed through my own experience in working with a psychotherapist that verbal and non-verbal ways of conversation in a session go well together and support the transformational process. That brought me to an idea to share my experience also through both spoken and somatic communication in order to reach different layers of a client’s story.

I feel that the path of a counseling psychologist with a focus on the body is a professional path that will allow me to support people through offering much-needed attention to their bodies, connect them to their bodies through shining a light on what’s already there but which they may not have noticed, and share with them avenues through which to build a friendlier mind-body connection. This conviction is a result of my experiences not only with psychotherapy but also organizing and giving several private classes which combined practices of yoga, meditation and self-inquiry. Guiding these classes has been a very enjoyable and empowering experience and I have also received positive feedback from participants. Acting as a facilitator in this way has led me to the realization that I could offer something of even greater value if I studied psychology and combined it with my passion for movement practices. This new conviction has driven me to apply for a master’s degree in counseling with a focus on somatic psychology.

I took time off from my main job and spent time at the SF Zen Center as a guest student in order to connect deeper with my new intention. After this stay a one month residency at Esalen Institute followed. Here I experienced a practice of Gestalt Awareness, participated in the regular body-inquiry sessions, and in the experimental educational program with focus on breathwork and served the community. 

At Esalen I was able to discuss with a supportive staff various educational paths, which could lead me towards the role of a counseling psychologist with a specific focus on the body, mind and spirit connection. 

In this professional path I see a potential for a deep connection between my personal story, my own body’s physicality and a will to bring awareness and joy into our everyday lives.

Let it be!